Take comfort in your friends, everybody hurts.
At 3AM, we walked in to a quiet house. You know that feeling when you move somewhere new, the feeling of it not being your home? That you are somehow intruding on something that you can't really explain, but still, here you are in a home that has all of your things, so it couldn't possibly be anyone's home but yours? That's what it felt like.
Rob and Pat weren't ready for bed. Neither was I, but I had wanted to give them some space. It was the beginning of a divide in me that I haven't really had the words to explain until now, but at that point I put their grief, the two people in the world who could have possibly understood what I felt, ahead of my own because I put misplaced value on myself and what I meant to Joe. I put more importance on their friendship and brotherhood, instead of viewing it all equally. It wasn't the smartest idea, in hindsight, and created some problems in my own mind that stick with me, still.
We needed to get them some warm clothes because they were going to go out and sit with the propane fire out front. Knowing exactly where everything was in our room, I snuck in to hear Heather whisper hello to me. I went over and hugged her, but wanted to be in and out as quickly as possible so as not to wake her to the point of not being able to go back to sleep so I grabbed the clothes and left. Rob and Pat went outside, and I layed down on the floor of our playroom in the dark and silent house, greeted by the instant replay in my head of what had occured during our evening up until that point.
We had turned on to Joe and Nadine's street to be greeted by police cars. The hope of being there before they got there was dashed, and the grip we had on each other's hand at that point tightened because we both realized what we were about to open the door to. Nadine was strong, one of the strongest people I have ever met in my life, but even in this - how could she be?
Matt* had called to let us know that he was on his way to Vancouver to get Pat. He said he would bring him to us on his way home, because it was important that he be with us. Pat's girlfriend, Anna, was due home in two weeks from her school year in Germany, so we weren't sending him home by himself. Once we parked the car and knowing this, we hugged and took a moment to breathe. We were hurting, but we didn't just lose our spouse. Right now we needed to hold ourselves together for her the best that we could.
Rob went through the door first. He turned right to go up the stairs to the kitchen, following the voices. I kicked my shoes off and followed him slowly, feeling like maybe if I delayed seeing her, I wouldn't have to admit this was really happening. When I arrived at the top of the stairs, Rob had her in his arms and she had her head buried in to his shoulder and had a piece of paper in her hand. As soon as she saw me she hugged me and then thrust the paper at me. I stood there looking at it. I'm sure she was explaining to me that it was a note he'd left, but to be honest all I heard was buzzing. In my hand I held a letter from him that was somehow supposed to explain why he'd taken himself away from us, and it was supposed to help me understand it...right?
There was some stuff about all of us taking care of Nadine, some for his parents, and there was a line for not only the two of us, but a line to each of our children as well. In his darkest moments, he was thinking of our children. I was torn between heartbreak and anger. I looked up and gave it back to Nadine, and my eyes darted to the fridge, making a note of Paxton's school picture on it.
Nadine and her friend walked us through what they had pieced together so far. Nadine received a text message from Joe that was more concerning than ones she would normally have received when he was feeling low. It stated that he was at Seaforth, and that he just couldn't do this world anymore. This started the chain of events that have already been detailed previously.
After Nadine talked to Rob, she headed home. Her friend was there as well, and went in the house first to check everything out. Nadine walked in to the kitchen to find most things from Joe's wallet placed on the counter neatly. There was a note on the fridge to remember to feed the cat, and that's when it was seen. Joe's knife, that he never went anywhere without, clipped to the mail slot they had at the top the stairs. In the mail slot, two envelopes. One for Nadine, and one for the rest of us. She checked their gun safe, one was missing, confirming what she'd already pieced together.
There was a flurry of police, and then quiet. Just the four of us, trying to figure out who to call, who to inform. This news was ours at the moment, no one else's, but eventually it was going to make it's way in to the land of social media, perhaps even the news.
Rob and I headed out of the house to make some phone calls, and I almost tripped down the awful and steep stairs. Rob put his hand up to steady me, and turning to Nadine I said we would be back in a few minutes, if I didn't kill myself on the stairs, first. It was the first and only time since then that I have said something of the sorts, realizing that in today's society we so frequently say things like this. I stopped, looked at Nadine and Rob, and we all kind of went silent. Well, I thought, that's certainly something that will be removed from my vocabulary.
A lot about that night went really fast. Other parts about it seem like it went really slow. I know that it took what seemed like forever for Pat to get to us. The three of us needed him there, and we needed him there hours ago. We didn't know what he had seen, we didn't know anything from his end yet besides what he had told Rob on the phone earlier, but we had this misguided idea that if he were with us that everything would be okay.
Standing in the kitchen, I was looking around and had my eyes come to Paxton's picture on their fridge again. The letter flashed through my mind, and anger flared in me in a way I hadn't expected. I had zero grasp on how Joe could have loved us, any of us, if he could have easily written a letter to us, written a reminded to Nadine to feed the cat on the memo pad right beside the picture I'm referring to, and then pass that picture on his way out of the house to end his life. No way. None. I needed to get out of there.
"I'm going to 7-eleven, does anyone want anything?" I quickly blurted out before I could even think.
I took a small order and went to get the items requested. On my way, I messaged a mutual friend of all of ours who was close to Nadine to have her call me so I could tell her. I called my little sister, who was the only person I knew in my life who had lost someone in such a way. She cried. I don't know if it was because she hurt for us, or she hurt because it made her feel the pain all over again. It felt comforting to connect with someone who knew how I felt, but wasn't in the same situation in that exact moment. She softly explained that there must have been a lot of pain in his mind and body if he could take himself away from us, because she knows how much love there was between all of us. It was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.
I arrived back to the house to everyone in a lull of emotion. It was quiet. There was either minimal conversation or none at all. I was standing on the other side of the counter from Nadine when her phone, along with Rob's, went off with the sound of a lightsaber. They both started to cry, because it was a game that, until that day, they played with Joe, and it was reminding them both of something. I realized that it was moments like these that we could 'look forward to' for a long time. Having something happen, and then being hit with the reality that the person you enjoyed that with, the person who would have understood your excitement, was no longer here.
Rob's phone went off with the message tone again, alerting him to the fact that Pat was now on his way.
We waited for what seemed like forever, standing outside, making more phone calls, when eventually Matt's* truck finally turned the corner. We watched as Pat got out and just stood there, looking at us, looking at the house. I have known him a long time, and I can't ever think of a time where I have seen him so shattered. Matt* came in for a bit, but having just been away from his family for awhile, it was clear that between that and the events of that evening, he was needing to be at home with them, so he left.
The rest of the evening went as expected. We bounced between talking casually, with some humour, to talking about Joe, to crying. Eventually it was clear that Nadine was hitting a point of exhaustion, so we said goodbye and headed home after we made sure that her friend was going to stay with her that night. It was a quiet ride home, all three of us heartbroken and exhausted as well, but sleep was the last thing on any of our minds.
**Some names have been changed at the request of those part of the 'story'
Rob and Pat weren't ready for bed. Neither was I, but I had wanted to give them some space. It was the beginning of a divide in me that I haven't really had the words to explain until now, but at that point I put their grief, the two people in the world who could have possibly understood what I felt, ahead of my own because I put misplaced value on myself and what I meant to Joe. I put more importance on their friendship and brotherhood, instead of viewing it all equally. It wasn't the smartest idea, in hindsight, and created some problems in my own mind that stick with me, still.
We needed to get them some warm clothes because they were going to go out and sit with the propane fire out front. Knowing exactly where everything was in our room, I snuck in to hear Heather whisper hello to me. I went over and hugged her, but wanted to be in and out as quickly as possible so as not to wake her to the point of not being able to go back to sleep so I grabbed the clothes and left. Rob and Pat went outside, and I layed down on the floor of our playroom in the dark and silent house, greeted by the instant replay in my head of what had occured during our evening up until that point.
We had turned on to Joe and Nadine's street to be greeted by police cars. The hope of being there before they got there was dashed, and the grip we had on each other's hand at that point tightened because we both realized what we were about to open the door to. Nadine was strong, one of the strongest people I have ever met in my life, but even in this - how could she be?
Matt* had called to let us know that he was on his way to Vancouver to get Pat. He said he would bring him to us on his way home, because it was important that he be with us. Pat's girlfriend, Anna, was due home in two weeks from her school year in Germany, so we weren't sending him home by himself. Once we parked the car and knowing this, we hugged and took a moment to breathe. We were hurting, but we didn't just lose our spouse. Right now we needed to hold ourselves together for her the best that we could.
Rob went through the door first. He turned right to go up the stairs to the kitchen, following the voices. I kicked my shoes off and followed him slowly, feeling like maybe if I delayed seeing her, I wouldn't have to admit this was really happening. When I arrived at the top of the stairs, Rob had her in his arms and she had her head buried in to his shoulder and had a piece of paper in her hand. As soon as she saw me she hugged me and then thrust the paper at me. I stood there looking at it. I'm sure she was explaining to me that it was a note he'd left, but to be honest all I heard was buzzing. In my hand I held a letter from him that was somehow supposed to explain why he'd taken himself away from us, and it was supposed to help me understand it...right?
There was some stuff about all of us taking care of Nadine, some for his parents, and there was a line for not only the two of us, but a line to each of our children as well. In his darkest moments, he was thinking of our children. I was torn between heartbreak and anger. I looked up and gave it back to Nadine, and my eyes darted to the fridge, making a note of Paxton's school picture on it.
Nadine and her friend walked us through what they had pieced together so far. Nadine received a text message from Joe that was more concerning than ones she would normally have received when he was feeling low. It stated that he was at Seaforth, and that he just couldn't do this world anymore. This started the chain of events that have already been detailed previously.
After Nadine talked to Rob, she headed home. Her friend was there as well, and went in the house first to check everything out. Nadine walked in to the kitchen to find most things from Joe's wallet placed on the counter neatly. There was a note on the fridge to remember to feed the cat, and that's when it was seen. Joe's knife, that he never went anywhere without, clipped to the mail slot they had at the top the stairs. In the mail slot, two envelopes. One for Nadine, and one for the rest of us. She checked their gun safe, one was missing, confirming what she'd already pieced together.
There was a flurry of police, and then quiet. Just the four of us, trying to figure out who to call, who to inform. This news was ours at the moment, no one else's, but eventually it was going to make it's way in to the land of social media, perhaps even the news.
Rob and I headed out of the house to make some phone calls, and I almost tripped down the awful and steep stairs. Rob put his hand up to steady me, and turning to Nadine I said we would be back in a few minutes, if I didn't kill myself on the stairs, first. It was the first and only time since then that I have said something of the sorts, realizing that in today's society we so frequently say things like this. I stopped, looked at Nadine and Rob, and we all kind of went silent. Well, I thought, that's certainly something that will be removed from my vocabulary.
A lot about that night went really fast. Other parts about it seem like it went really slow. I know that it took what seemed like forever for Pat to get to us. The three of us needed him there, and we needed him there hours ago. We didn't know what he had seen, we didn't know anything from his end yet besides what he had told Rob on the phone earlier, but we had this misguided idea that if he were with us that everything would be okay.
Standing in the kitchen, I was looking around and had my eyes come to Paxton's picture on their fridge again. The letter flashed through my mind, and anger flared in me in a way I hadn't expected. I had zero grasp on how Joe could have loved us, any of us, if he could have easily written a letter to us, written a reminded to Nadine to feed the cat on the memo pad right beside the picture I'm referring to, and then pass that picture on his way out of the house to end his life. No way. None. I needed to get out of there.
"I'm going to 7-eleven, does anyone want anything?" I quickly blurted out before I could even think.
I took a small order and went to get the items requested. On my way, I messaged a mutual friend of all of ours who was close to Nadine to have her call me so I could tell her. I called my little sister, who was the only person I knew in my life who had lost someone in such a way. She cried. I don't know if it was because she hurt for us, or she hurt because it made her feel the pain all over again. It felt comforting to connect with someone who knew how I felt, but wasn't in the same situation in that exact moment. She softly explained that there must have been a lot of pain in his mind and body if he could take himself away from us, because she knows how much love there was between all of us. It was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.
I arrived back to the house to everyone in a lull of emotion. It was quiet. There was either minimal conversation or none at all. I was standing on the other side of the counter from Nadine when her phone, along with Rob's, went off with the sound of a lightsaber. They both started to cry, because it was a game that, until that day, they played with Joe, and it was reminding them both of something. I realized that it was moments like these that we could 'look forward to' for a long time. Having something happen, and then being hit with the reality that the person you enjoyed that with, the person who would have understood your excitement, was no longer here.
Rob's phone went off with the message tone again, alerting him to the fact that Pat was now on his way.
We waited for what seemed like forever, standing outside, making more phone calls, when eventually Matt's* truck finally turned the corner. We watched as Pat got out and just stood there, looking at us, looking at the house. I have known him a long time, and I can't ever think of a time where I have seen him so shattered. Matt* came in for a bit, but having just been away from his family for awhile, it was clear that between that and the events of that evening, he was needing to be at home with them, so he left.
The rest of the evening went as expected. We bounced between talking casually, with some humour, to talking about Joe, to crying. Eventually it was clear that Nadine was hitting a point of exhaustion, so we said goodbye and headed home after we made sure that her friend was going to stay with her that night. It was a quiet ride home, all three of us heartbroken and exhausted as well, but sleep was the last thing on any of our minds.
**Some names have been changed at the request of those part of the 'story'
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