Red Pill, Blue Pill
Joe can't be dead, I have dinner plans with Heather tomorrow.
These are the random, absurd thoughts that go through one's head when they just find out that one of their best friends has killed themself.
Heather. I have to call her and cancel dinner. She's pregnant. I don't want her to worry. This is your best friend in the whole entire world we are talking about. There's no way you can let her know there's something wrong but if you try to text her you'll forget. Shit, shit, shit.
I took a deep breath and hit the call button. I was hoping she wouldn't pick up, because it was a lot easier to maintain composure if no one was on the other end to ask you what was wrong. She picked up with her standard, flowery sounding "Hey, what's up," that always made me smile.
"Hey. Um...we can't do dinner tomorrow," I said quietly, shakey.
The concern very quickly emerged in her voice. "Okay....is everything alright?"
It all turns in to a bit of a blur from there, for both her and myself. As she will tell it, in twenty-four years of friendship she has not heard me scream like that...ever. I don't remember screaming. We have tried to talk it out and piece this five minute conversation together, but don't get far because it's so emotional for the both of us. Heather knew Joe for as long as I had. He's part of a lot of memories for her, too. The best we can come up with was that I got out his name, and she knew. She asked if I needed her to come out.
"No, I don't know. No. No... I don't know what's happening." I really didn't.
"Are you sure?" she questioned. "I can come and be with Pax, Rebecca can take Thaida and then you don't need to think worry about what's going on with the kids."
Paxton.
My mind snapped in to focus. I'm a mother, I have two children. Two very, very loved-by-Joe children. Thaida will be none the wiser in all of this, she's only 18 months old, but Paxton...
Paxton.
Paxton plays soccer because of Joe. Paxton plays baseball in part because Joe gave him his first glove, and Joe comes to so many games. They play Lego together, they play video games together...and Pax was there, sitting beside his father when Rob got that call. I had the sudden realization that I had no idea what I was about to get home to.
"Yes. He needs you. That's a good idea. Thank you. I love you."
In his almost eight years of life, Paxton had only had a few experiences with death. The first was our rabbit. The second, our neighbour who was my age and died from a heart attack. Our family was involved with the events of that evening, and it left him with the feeling that one of his parents could leave him at any time, causing anxiety in his little five year old mind. The third, we were coming up on the first year anniversary of. The lead singer of our family's favourite band, Linkin Park, died by suicide on July 20, 2017. Up until this point, we had kept the cause of death from Paxton, because how do you explain suicide to someone so young?
When I hung up with her, I had the strangest sense of peace wash over me. Depending on what you believe in this world, maybe it was Joe's spirit telling me that I needed to calm down and get home safe. Maybe it was the trauma of it all protecting me, but whatever it was, the tears stopped, my breathing returned to normal and I focused on getting home. The movie "The Matrix" kept running through my head, primarily the part where Morpheus is offering Neo the red pill or the blue pill. I always thought that Joe belonged in a world like that, because he never seemed to fully fit in to this one.
I was at a stop light, the final stop light that was between me and my family, watching the evening sun glimmer off the windows of businesses. I couldn't tell you what song was on the radio, or if I was even listening to music for that matter, but I can tell you that I found myself wishing in that moment, more than anything, I had a blue pill.
These are the random, absurd thoughts that go through one's head when they just find out that one of their best friends has killed themself.
Heather. I have to call her and cancel dinner. She's pregnant. I don't want her to worry. This is your best friend in the whole entire world we are talking about. There's no way you can let her know there's something wrong but if you try to text her you'll forget. Shit, shit, shit.
I took a deep breath and hit the call button. I was hoping she wouldn't pick up, because it was a lot easier to maintain composure if no one was on the other end to ask you what was wrong. She picked up with her standard, flowery sounding "Hey, what's up," that always made me smile.
"Hey. Um...we can't do dinner tomorrow," I said quietly, shakey.
The concern very quickly emerged in her voice. "Okay....is everything alright?"
It all turns in to a bit of a blur from there, for both her and myself. As she will tell it, in twenty-four years of friendship she has not heard me scream like that...ever. I don't remember screaming. We have tried to talk it out and piece this five minute conversation together, but don't get far because it's so emotional for the both of us. Heather knew Joe for as long as I had. He's part of a lot of memories for her, too. The best we can come up with was that I got out his name, and she knew. She asked if I needed her to come out.
"No, I don't know. No. No... I don't know what's happening." I really didn't.
"Are you sure?" she questioned. "I can come and be with Pax, Rebecca can take Thaida and then you don't need to think worry about what's going on with the kids."
Paxton.
My mind snapped in to focus. I'm a mother, I have two children. Two very, very loved-by-Joe children. Thaida will be none the wiser in all of this, she's only 18 months old, but Paxton...
Paxton.
Paxton plays soccer because of Joe. Paxton plays baseball in part because Joe gave him his first glove, and Joe comes to so many games. They play Lego together, they play video games together...and Pax was there, sitting beside his father when Rob got that call. I had the sudden realization that I had no idea what I was about to get home to.
"Yes. He needs you. That's a good idea. Thank you. I love you."
In his almost eight years of life, Paxton had only had a few experiences with death. The first was our rabbit. The second, our neighbour who was my age and died from a heart attack. Our family was involved with the events of that evening, and it left him with the feeling that one of his parents could leave him at any time, causing anxiety in his little five year old mind. The third, we were coming up on the first year anniversary of. The lead singer of our family's favourite band, Linkin Park, died by suicide on July 20, 2017. Up until this point, we had kept the cause of death from Paxton, because how do you explain suicide to someone so young?
When I hung up with her, I had the strangest sense of peace wash over me. Depending on what you believe in this world, maybe it was Joe's spirit telling me that I needed to calm down and get home safe. Maybe it was the trauma of it all protecting me, but whatever it was, the tears stopped, my breathing returned to normal and I focused on getting home. The movie "The Matrix" kept running through my head, primarily the part where Morpheus is offering Neo the red pill or the blue pill. I always thought that Joe belonged in a world like that, because he never seemed to fully fit in to this one.
I was at a stop light, the final stop light that was between me and my family, watching the evening sun glimmer off the windows of businesses. I couldn't tell you what song was on the radio, or if I was even listening to music for that matter, but I can tell you that I found myself wishing in that moment, more than anything, I had a blue pill.
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