After

You know the movie Inside Out, the character Anger? I feel like I'm the living embodiment at the moment. I have been missing Joe a lot lately. Things have been happening that he normally would have been at, Pax got his all clear from his counsellor that he was doing really well and, while he can obviously come back if need be, we didn't need to make an appointment for every three weeks anymore - it would be on an ''as needed" basis. Throughout all of this, I had begun to feel genuinely happy some days. Enter June 13th. It has been a hard week for numerous reasons. Fighting kids, temper tantrums, husband working overtime, dance recitals...I'm tired. June 13th marks the final month of all of our firsts. Three days later, the 16th, would mark one year since my final solo interaction with Joe. To say I have been a wreck is an understatement. It's like every morning I wake up and feel all of the emotions that I felt in the days after his death. Emotions that...

Silence is deafening. In silence you can hear your own heart beat. Because of that, even in one of those float chambers, you are never totally in silence. I laid there on the ground of the playroom, wanting to be near someone. I had each of my children twenty feet away from me in different rooms, as well as two of the best friends a girl could ask for, but everyone was sleeping. I was alone. My eyes filled up with tears as I began to process the idea that I would never see Joe again. I would never hear his voice, I would never have a hug. I would never laugh as he made fun of Rob, or talk about life with him again. I'd never see him stare at my kids with love and adoration.  Nope , I thought, I can't be alone . I wrapped myself in a blanket and puttered outside to where Rob and Pat were sitting around the propane fire. "Can I join you? Being alone was a bad idea." Exhaustion took over. We laughed, made inappropriate jokes, and I personally didn't stop t...