Why is everything so heavy?

I was listening to the bass from the next door neighbours shaking my wall for the umpteenth time. 9 more days, I thought to myself as I packed the next box. Pax was at his friend's house, and Thaida was cooing at me from the floor, playing with her toys. If I had to live here any longer I'd probably be arrested for murdering her. After six years of living next to these people, I was beyond done with their refusal to understand that when you turn on a subwoofer, the building shakes. I was so looking forward to moving to this amazing new home that we were lucky enough to get, with a huge yard. My Facebook messenger brought me out of my tiny daydream.

Bear. This is my eldest sister's nickname for me, and she doesn't usually address me as such unless it's serious.

??? I quickly sent back.

Chester. 

Confused, I stared at the screen. Chester? Like Chester Bennington of Linkin Park? That's the only Chester I know of. But why? What about him? And then my mind stopped.

I exited the message quickly. "No, no, no, please no." I googled Chester Bennington, my eyes scanning the screen.

Chester Bennington Dead at 41; He was Linkin Park lead singer - CNN

Chester Bennington, Linkin Park lead singer, dies of suspected suicide - The Guardian

....what?

I had never had anyone in my world die by suicide before. One of my younger sisters, she did, but I didn't know him, so I knew someone who was affected but was not affected myself. It's not like I knew Chester Bennington personally, but I had been a fan of Linkin Park since their first album when I was seventeen. The music of Linkin Park was the music I listened to when I was sad, upset, angry, happy, in love. My 'just because' music. They had just released an album, an album I was still in the process of falling in love with because it was unlike anything that I had ever heard from them. It was going to be Paxton's first concert.

I dialed Rob's number quickly. I probably scared the shit out of him at first, though, because I was crying hysterically as I told him that we wouldn't be going to the concert anymore because Chester was dead. In my mind I was like aren't you being a little irrational? But I just didn't care. This was someone who had a profound effect on my life in so many ways, and now I finally understand why people lost their minds the way they did when John Lennon was killed.

I messaged Joe right after. He loved them just about as much as we did. We had a brief exchange about how we were going to listen to Linkin Park and nothing but for the next week or so we had a lot of engaging conversation about mental health. I had sent him a link to something that struck me as true, and his exact response was that people who commit suicide aren't automatically free of criticism, sometimes it is the easy solution to a serious problem. We talked about how people that died by suicide did it because it was, to them, the only answer. They genuinely felt the people in their lives were better off without them.

The next thing we faced was having to tell our son, who wanted nothing more than to grow up and be a singer like Chester, that his hero was dead. Paxton was almost seven, but still, suicide was a bit heavy of a topic for him. We told him there was an accident, and he died. We weren't even close to considering telling him the truth, when the end result was a broken hearted little boy regardless.

As the days and months went on, details were revealed about how Chester had spent the days prior to his death and how no one saw it coming. How could someone ever feel that hopeless, I wondered, when they are so loved. His wife, Talinda, posted a video and named it "This is what depression looks like." It was a family video of them playing Beanboozled and laughing so hard his sides hurt. It really went to show that you had no idea what battles were going on in the depths of one's minds, no matter what facade they present to the world. 

The band played a tribute concert on October 27, 2017. It was aired across the world, and throughout this entire concert you could see the shells of the people he left behind. Mike Shinoda, the other lead singer, wrote a beautiful song in tribute called "Looking For An Answer", and Chester's wife spoke about him. We laughed at moments, we were amazed as other singers took his place and rocked the music, we cried, all the while not being able to imagine the pain they were experiencing, having lost their friend that was family.