The first seeds of grief…Denial.
I am a huge fan of the television show "One Tree Hill". It had a moment in the final season's premiere where one of the characters is driving her children around, trying to get them to sleep, that she said something that hits home.
"Sometimes my heart aches at how my life turned out, in a good way. It doesn't mean there haven't been hardships, there have been. But I'm here, and here is good."
I often think of this quote as I drive around, be it with my own sleepy children in the back seats of the vehicle, or as I drive home with music blaring by myself after work. I love my town. I love the twinkling lights in the winter, and the glow off the snow when we are fortunate enough to get that cursed, white fluff around Christmas time. I love the fresh evening air when the windows are down on a summer evening, and the smell of rain as it washes away the dirt after an extended heat wave. I love the colours of the sky as the sun starts to reach the horizon, and I love the feeling of coming home.
Except that day. That day, I feared what was at the end of our very long driveway.
My eyes scanned the garden and Rebecca's patio, and saw Rebecca cleaning up her patio table, first. No kids in sight. I was frantically searching for Rob when he emerged from behind his work van, the sight of him causing the knot in my stomach to twist even more. My strong husband, the one who always walks straight and with his head held high, looked defeated, even from a distance. His head turned, hearing the vehicle once it hit the gravel and just stood there, waiting for me. No sooner than pulling in to park the car was the engine off and we were in each others arms. I'm not sure it was for comfort, or if it was to stop each other from collapsing in to a heap on the ground. I could hear the kids, happy that I was there, and Rebecca rushed to stop them from coming to us. The world stood still.
The business part of my brain took over. Nadine. We need to get to her. Rob explained that the police were on their way over to her house, and together we decided that we wanted to try to get there before they did. We rushed upstairs to get changed in to clothes that we knew we could be comfortable in until the next day if need be, grabbed phone charges and rushed back outside to head to the car.
"Mommy?" the tiniest voice of my eldest said. I turned, seeing his eyes and how incredibly sad they were. "Where are you and Daddy going?" he asked, with an implied tone of why are you leaving me?
I rushed to him, sweeping his seven year old frame up in to my arms, breathing him in. How was I supposed to leave him? I knew Heather was coming, I knew he'd be okay. But here he was with so many questions in his eyes, and I still had no idea how much he actually knew.
"Mommy and Daddy need to go to see Auntie Nadine, baby, because she really needs us right now."
He put his hands on either side of my cheeks, and whispered that he wanted to stay with me as his eyes filled up with tears.
"I know, my love, and you will see her really soon, but tonight we are going to be out really late and you need some rest but you know what? Auntie Heppo is coming out and you guys are going to cuddle and then have a sleepover in my bed." His face lit up the tiniest bit. His Godmother is one of his favourite people in the whole word, and she's got his newest baby cousin in her belly. She's like a two-for-the-price-of-one kind of love for him right now.
While I was speaking with him, Zoey came up and asked if she could hug me, too. She asked why I was so sad, and I just said that something bad had happened and that we would talk about it when the time was right.
"My Uncle Joe shot himself tonight and is dead." Paxton snapped, almost protectively. Everyone went silent. I now knew how much he had heard, and now Zoey had an idea, as well. I could hear Rebecca catch her breath at the abruptness of the statement, no matter how factual. It wasn't up to Paxton to open Zoey's eyes to this reality in the world, but how could you fault him?
"Something happened to Uncle Joe and we will talk about it tomorrow. Paxton, let's not talk about Uncle that way right now, okay?"
Paxton agreed, I apologized to Rebecca, everyone hugged, and off we went.
I was trying to prioritize how things needed to go in my head, but first we need gas, then we needed to get to Nadine. We drove silently for a few moments,and then Rob began giving me the most basic rundown of what had just occurred in his last hour.
Let's rewind back to it being a good day. One very specific part. On my way up I got a message that I didn't really think anything of, and quickly replied to it. Little did I know that that was the beginning of my part in this story.
At 7:57PM, Nadine messaged me. Hey, sorry to bug you. Joe just said he was at the armoury, just wondering if he's hanging out with Rob. My quick reply? No madame, he is not. I'm working, Rob is at home.
At 8:46PM, I got the call from Rob that I cancelled, assuming it was them calling to say goodnight. The phone rang right back, I cancelled it again and typed to Rebecca Is something wrong, I'm on the phone and sent Rob a message that I'll call back in five.
At 8:48PM, I got Yes. Now. Please.
In two minutes, I, and about 60% of the people in my life, were changed forever. Two minutes.
After I sent the message to Nadine, she contacted Rob. Rob confirmed what I had thought, that there was nothing happening at the armoury, but that he would call Pat.
Pat had just sat down at home for the evening when Rob called. He lives within walking distance from the armoury, so he went, but it was too late. Pat called Rob, and Rob lost his mind. Rebecca called me. When I called back when I was on my way home, Rob was talking to the local police, who were informing him they were getting in touch with our local police to go inform Nadine but that they did not want anyone to tell her before then. So, we were on our way to Nadine but there was Pat to worry about, now. Pat, I thought. Oh my God, Pat. Joe and he, their friendship wasn't in a great place... No. The only thing that I could think of now was that we needed to get someone there to Pat, someone that Pat knew well, could be there with him and keep him safe until we could get to him. We called one friend, *Matt, but weren't able to reach him. We went silent, thinking of who else to send when I just went "Kent."
"Kent, of course," and Rob was on the phone with him before I could remind him that Kent was in Vancouver, too, so it should be easy enough and we know he will go no matter what. He picked up, I could hear him say "Oh my God, I'm on my way," and Rob hung up. We drove in silence the rest of the way.
**Some names have been changed at the request of those part of the 'story'
"Sometimes my heart aches at how my life turned out, in a good way. It doesn't mean there haven't been hardships, there have been. But I'm here, and here is good."
I often think of this quote as I drive around, be it with my own sleepy children in the back seats of the vehicle, or as I drive home with music blaring by myself after work. I love my town. I love the twinkling lights in the winter, and the glow off the snow when we are fortunate enough to get that cursed, white fluff around Christmas time. I love the fresh evening air when the windows are down on a summer evening, and the smell of rain as it washes away the dirt after an extended heat wave. I love the colours of the sky as the sun starts to reach the horizon, and I love the feeling of coming home.
Except that day. That day, I feared what was at the end of our very long driveway.
My eyes scanned the garden and Rebecca's patio, and saw Rebecca cleaning up her patio table, first. No kids in sight. I was frantically searching for Rob when he emerged from behind his work van, the sight of him causing the knot in my stomach to twist even more. My strong husband, the one who always walks straight and with his head held high, looked defeated, even from a distance. His head turned, hearing the vehicle once it hit the gravel and just stood there, waiting for me. No sooner than pulling in to park the car was the engine off and we were in each others arms. I'm not sure it was for comfort, or if it was to stop each other from collapsing in to a heap on the ground. I could hear the kids, happy that I was there, and Rebecca rushed to stop them from coming to us. The world stood still.
The business part of my brain took over. Nadine. We need to get to her. Rob explained that the police were on their way over to her house, and together we decided that we wanted to try to get there before they did. We rushed upstairs to get changed in to clothes that we knew we could be comfortable in until the next day if need be, grabbed phone charges and rushed back outside to head to the car.
"Mommy?" the tiniest voice of my eldest said. I turned, seeing his eyes and how incredibly sad they were. "Where are you and Daddy going?" he asked, with an implied tone of why are you leaving me?
I rushed to him, sweeping his seven year old frame up in to my arms, breathing him in. How was I supposed to leave him? I knew Heather was coming, I knew he'd be okay. But here he was with so many questions in his eyes, and I still had no idea how much he actually knew.
"Mommy and Daddy need to go to see Auntie Nadine, baby, because she really needs us right now."
He put his hands on either side of my cheeks, and whispered that he wanted to stay with me as his eyes filled up with tears.
"I know, my love, and you will see her really soon, but tonight we are going to be out really late and you need some rest but you know what? Auntie Heppo is coming out and you guys are going to cuddle and then have a sleepover in my bed." His face lit up the tiniest bit. His Godmother is one of his favourite people in the whole word, and she's got his newest baby cousin in her belly. She's like a two-for-the-price-of-one kind of love for him right now.
While I was speaking with him, Zoey came up and asked if she could hug me, too. She asked why I was so sad, and I just said that something bad had happened and that we would talk about it when the time was right.
"My Uncle Joe shot himself tonight and is dead." Paxton snapped, almost protectively. Everyone went silent. I now knew how much he had heard, and now Zoey had an idea, as well. I could hear Rebecca catch her breath at the abruptness of the statement, no matter how factual. It wasn't up to Paxton to open Zoey's eyes to this reality in the world, but how could you fault him?
"Something happened to Uncle Joe and we will talk about it tomorrow. Paxton, let's not talk about Uncle that way right now, okay?"
Paxton agreed, I apologized to Rebecca, everyone hugged, and off we went.
I was trying to prioritize how things needed to go in my head, but first we need gas, then we needed to get to Nadine. We drove silently for a few moments,and then Rob began giving me the most basic rundown of what had just occurred in his last hour.
Let's rewind back to it being a good day. One very specific part. On my way up I got a message that I didn't really think anything of, and quickly replied to it. Little did I know that that was the beginning of my part in this story.
At 7:57PM, Nadine messaged me. Hey, sorry to bug you. Joe just said he was at the armoury, just wondering if he's hanging out with Rob. My quick reply? No madame, he is not. I'm working, Rob is at home.
At 8:46PM, I got the call from Rob that I cancelled, assuming it was them calling to say goodnight. The phone rang right back, I cancelled it again and typed to Rebecca Is something wrong, I'm on the phone and sent Rob a message that I'll call back in five.
At 8:48PM, I got Yes. Now. Please.
In two minutes, I, and about 60% of the people in my life, were changed forever. Two minutes.
After I sent the message to Nadine, she contacted Rob. Rob confirmed what I had thought, that there was nothing happening at the armoury, but that he would call Pat.
Pat had just sat down at home for the evening when Rob called. He lives within walking distance from the armoury, so he went, but it was too late. Pat called Rob, and Rob lost his mind. Rebecca called me. When I called back when I was on my way home, Rob was talking to the local police, who were informing him they were getting in touch with our local police to go inform Nadine but that they did not want anyone to tell her before then. So, we were on our way to Nadine but there was Pat to worry about, now. Pat, I thought. Oh my God, Pat. Joe and he, their friendship wasn't in a great place... No. The only thing that I could think of now was that we needed to get someone there to Pat, someone that Pat knew well, could be there with him and keep him safe until we could get to him. We called one friend, *Matt, but weren't able to reach him. We went silent, thinking of who else to send when I just went "Kent."
"Kent, of course," and Rob was on the phone with him before I could remind him that Kent was in Vancouver, too, so it should be easy enough and we know he will go no matter what. He picked up, I could hear him say "Oh my God, I'm on my way," and Rob hung up. We drove in silence the rest of the way.
**Some names have been changed at the request of those part of the 'story'
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